Anniversary Of The First Moon Landing

As you know, July 20 this year marks the 40th anniversary of the first moon landing. To celebrate, I'd like to post an e-mail I received in 1995 regarding this historic event. Though I've learned that this story is a work of fiction, it is still a great story. Enjoy!

On July 20, 1969, commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind", were televised to Earth and heard by millions. But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark:

"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his neighbor’s yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You’ll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

TV Guide's Top 100 Episodes

The new TV Guide is here! The new TV Guide is here! And they have counted down, in yet another pointless countdown, the top 100 TV show episodes. Without surprise, the Seinfeld episode "The Contest" won the coveted number 1 spot. Among the top ten were notables such as episodes from All in the Family, Mary Tyler Moore and a token episode of I Love Lucy. Others in the top 100 were from Cheers, Twilight Zone, M*A*S*H and even an episode of Batman from the 1960's. Some odd choices I thought were selections from newer shows such as The Big Bang Theory, House and 30 Rock.

But what really surprised me were some classics that didn't even rank. How about the episode where Gilligan messed up the castaway's rescue on Gilligan's Island? Hilarious. And where in this list is the episode of Three's Company where everyone had that misunderstanding? Or how about the one on The Munsters when Marilyn brought her date home and his hair stood on end and he ran off when he met her Uncle Herman and Aunt Lily? Come on!

Number 100 on the list was the episode of The Brady Bunch where Marcia breaks her nose. So maybe the list isn't a complete loss.

Happy Birthday, Mr. Lincoln

In honor and celebration of President Abraham Lincoln's 200th birthday, here is a re-published Top Ten List I featured in the August 2005 issue of the Peoria Jaycees newsletter, The Charge!

Top Ten Things Jaycees Learned About Abraham Lincoln At The Lincoln Library

10.) At the Lincoln-Douglas debate, Lincoln made a rebuff stating, "I knew Jack Daniels.  Mr. Douglas, you're no Jack Daniels."

9.) Made a guest appearance on an episode of Star Trek.

8.) To entertain Union soldiers, did magic tricks with his top hat.

7.) Consistently referred to the Confederacy as "the evil-doers."

6.) After arriving in Washington DC, hired a young Stan Munton as a White House page.

5.) Concluded his Emancipation Proclamation with the Paris Hilton catch-phrase, "That's Hot!"

4.) Started growing his beard after having a queer makeover.

3.) Saved a bunch of money on his carriage insurance by switching to Geico.

2.) Lincoln had an intern named Clinton; Clinton had an intern in the Lincoln bedroom.

1.) You're going to have to wait over an hour and a half to get into the Lincoln Museum.

To help understand this list a little further, a group of us went to visit the then-newly opened Lincoln Presidential Library in Springfield, IL.  It was very popular at the time and to make a long story short, the line was just too long for us to wait to get in.  So we found other things to do while in Springfield. 

Toyota vs Ford

To read a good analogy of what American corporate culture has succumbed to today, read this. This is a post from a conservative blog called Illinois Review, which I glance at every once in a while.

Disclaimer: I have owned a '97 Ford F-150 and was very pleased with it. Earlier this year, I traded that for an '08 F-150 and again I have been very pleased with this Ford product and have found both trucks to be of high quality. I did chuckle a bit reading this story, however, it is a sad truth.

President To Stay Overnight

Peoria, IL (RLO News Service) - President George Bush will be staying overnight in Central Illinois after flight crews had difficulties with Air Force One. Bush was in town to spearhead a fundraiser for Aaron Schock, who is running as the Republican candidate for the 18th Congressional District.

Bush had originally asked Schock if he could just "flop on his couch for the night." Schock claimed that his house was already full of family guests and that there was no room to spare. "If I still had one of my rental houses near Bradley University, it would have been perfect for the President," Schock testified.

Instead, Schock summoned his assistants to secure lodging facilities for the President. Within the hour, President Bush and the First Lady were booked for the night at the Ragon Motel in Creve Coeur, IL.

"I am truly honored to stay at a motel that bears the name of my favorite president and role model, Ronald Reagan," stated Bush as he entered the room. No one informed the President that the spelling of the name was different.

As the Bushs' entered the room, the President's eyes lit up and he exclaimed, "Hot Damn! Look honey, they got the magic fingers bed." Bush handed one the Secret Service agents a $10 bill and ask if he could go get change.

As the evening drew to a close, Secret Service reported that the Bushs' ordered a pay-per-view movie, Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, and were settled in and comfortable.

Parody - Not To Be Taken Seriously

Obama To Stump For Votes Overseas

Baghdad, Iraq (RLO News Service) - Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama visited with some of the 140,000 US troops in Iraq on Monday as part of a vast campaign tour overseas. His latest campaign tour started off in Afghanistan and will finish up in parts of Europe.

While in Kabul on Saturday, Obama told a crowd of supporters, "It's great to be back in Afghanistan! I just got in from New Jersey and let me tell you, that place is a jungle." After a quick lunch with Afghanistan's President Hamid Karzai, Obama was off to Iraq. In Baghdad Monday morning, Obama greeted other supporters. "Let me tell ya," Obama stated, "it's great to be here in Iraq. I was just in Afghanistan, and let me tell you, that place is a jungle. There's no place like Iraq." The crowd became ecstatic and shot firearms off haphazardly in the air.

Meanwhile, back in the US, Republican presidential candidate John McCain was asked by reporters to comment on Obama's wildly popular whirlwind tour. "Campaigning overseas?" McCain asked, "Huh? Huh? Iraqis can vote in US elections?" McCain's campaign staff immediately announced an overseas tour to campaign in China.

Parody. Not To Be Taken Seriously.

What's The Deal With All These Lists?

For the past few years, I've noticed several networks, especially all the music and entertainment channels, running programs counting down something. You could call this debacle "When Kasey Kassem Goes Bad."

Sure, it was somewhat amusing at first. We got to see William Shatner count down the top 100 one hit wonders. Some other network informed us of the top most-shocking moments in rock and roll. But any more, these lists are getting ridiculous... and I should know something about lists. I spent a good part of the 90's writing David Letterman-style top ten lists for the Peoria Jaycees newsletters.

The latest countdown I've seen was the Top 40 Softlicious Soft Rock Songs of All Time. I don't remember what network brought us this informative program. It listed things like America's "Horse With No Name," 10cc's "I'm Not in Love," and REO's "Can't Fight This Feeling." Many of the songs were from the 1970's. I could only stomach about 30 minutes of this crap until I had to turn it off.

And another question, who are the judges who decides on this shit?

Anyway, it's been a while since I composed a top ten list, but here we go:

Top Ten New Countdown Shows For '08

10. Top 70 Oddest Celebrity Baby Names
9. Top 20 Lindsey Lohan's Fave Things About Rehab
8. Top 60 Wildest Hillary Rodham Clinton Pant Suits
7. Top 100 All Time Greatest Spam E-Mail Messages
6. Top 33 Lame Reality Series
5. Top 12 Really Bad Hair Bands
4. Top 5 OJ's Other Crimes
3. Top 30 Lead Filled Toys From China
2. Top 20 George Bush-isms
... and the number one New Countdown Show for '08...
1. Top 69 Sex Positions

Heather's New Hat

Peoria, IL (RLO News Service) - Heather Zech is at it again. This time she wants to set the new trend in hats... maybe better explained as an old trend in hats.

At a recent holiday event, Ms. Zech was sporting a black feather hat, reminiscent of a 1940s era style. "Yes, I'm bringing it back," exclaimed a jubilant Zech, who is no stranger to attempting to start new trends, not that she's exactly successful at it. "The 70's is so old school, 80's is overdone anymore, the 90's is way to soon," Zech explained, "so I'm bringing back something we haven't seen in a long, long time." Zech's current boyfriend, Chuck is preparing to launch an "old is new again" line for men's fashions with the 1950's zoot suit.

Heather Zech became a follower and disciple of radio personality Art Bell and began an extensive campaign to educate the public about a 1947 UFO crash in New Mexico and ensuing government cover-up. Zech is a staunch proponent of uncovering the government's knowledge on the event. Odd, the hat she was wearing that day could have come right out of 1947.

Happy Earth Day!

I first heard about Earth Day in 1990 during a visit to see a friend of mine, Matt Astel, at SIU at Carbondale. I think it was during Springfest, and the students there had this huge beach-ball type ball of the Earth. Someone said, "Yea, it's Earth Day."

"Earth Day???????" I responded back. At that time, I started making all the jokes about burning tires, dumping styrofoam into a landfill and leaking freon from my air conditioner on Earth Day. Going on 20 years later, the humor continues.

In the mid-90's, I joined the Peoria Jaycees and became it's newsletter editor. For an April Fool's issue for April 1996, I presented this following story. And surprisingly, some people actually believed it. Enjoy!


Jaycees Announce Earth Day Festivities

Earth Day 1996 is to be held on Monday, April 22 and the Peoria Jaycees has a whole host of activities planned. "This is going the be the most exciting Earth Day in Central Illinois... ever!", exclaimed Peoria Jaycees president Steven J. West at a press conference on April 1. Commander West also claimed that the Peoria based volunteer organization was fired up and enthusiastic about the Earth Day projects it has planned. The now defunct Nature Conservancy committee reunited to handle the various activities that are to take place. Headed up by Beth Barr and Andrea Peters, several different types of projects to promote Earth Day and the environment will take place with different "teams" carrying out different assignments (see tentative schedule of events on page 3). "I'm really excited about this", stated Ms. Peters, "it's good to see that the Jaycees are concerned about the Earth's environment and are ready to do something about it. I just hope we have enough hours in the day to get everything done."

During the press conference, Ms. Barr and Ms. Peters explained how each team divided the project work. Dan Schmidt has volunteered to head the team to burn old truck tires in a corn field (in which Dan said 'burning tires makes you strong'). Rusty Greene is in charge of the team to dump volatile car batteries in the Illinois River. Another team, lead by Cindy Schwerer, is set to cut down several oak trees, making birds and squirrels homeless. Cindy was especially fond of this project as she had stated "The best thing about a tree is what you do with it after you cut it down." A fourth team which has yet to be assigned a leader will be releasing freon from air conditioners into the atmosphere. "The opportunities for Earth Day are endless", stated Ms. Barr, "we would like to encourage as many people as we can for our Earth Day festivities." If you are interested in helping out on Earth Day, please call the Jaycees hotline. And just remember, every day is Earth Day!

Santa Claus To File Bankruptcy

North Pole (RLO News Service) - Santa Claus plans to file Chapter 13 bankruptcy within the next few days announced Santa CEO Kris Kringle at a late-afternoon press conference yesterday. Kringle sited intense competition from big-box retailers, mainly Wal Mart, along with cheap labor from abroad and outsourcing.

"Ho, ho, ho!! It's getting to the point where a Jolly ol' St. Nick can't run a time honored operation anymore," confessed Kringle. While Santa Claus can still under price Wal Mart and other retailers by simply giving away toys, Kringle admitted that overhead at the North Pole headquarters have simply skyrocketed.

"Other companies have outsourced its employment needs, or manufactures its products with cheap labor to minimize expenses. Ho, ho, ho!! However, Santa Claus still maintains an expensive labor contract with the United Elf Workers that includes premium wages and generous medical coverage," Kringle added.

Santa's contract with the UEW is to expire at the end of 2006. Kringle announced that in the reorganization of Santa Claus, a new contract with the UEW will have to be woefully scaled down or Santa will also outsource and manufacture toys with cheap labor from countries such as China. "All options are on the table. Ho, ho, ho!!" confessed Kringle.

Kringle closed the press conference with saying, "Ironic. Those child-laborers will be making the very toys I'll be delivering to them at Christmas."

Kringle wished everyone a Happy New Year!